I remember trying to explain to Tzu how I've changed over the last four years or so of university. Over the last three days or so (since our dinner that Julianna so wonderfully organized, and the pool after that the other guys made happen), I have been very up and down. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised; I don't have much to do and that gives me more time to think.

This will probably be a random note as I don't really know how I'm feeling, and things are somewhat interconnected. Right now, I'm worried that I've become too jaded, that even though I still think I'm a nice guy on the inside, that in the end it doesn't really matter if I'm not doing anything productive. I was asked for a favor recently and my visceral reaction was a caustic 'are you kidding me?' type of reaction. On the one hand, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of by some people, for whom I remain one of their few points of contact. And if I recall correctly, I usually do things alone, so I'm incredulous when some people will always ask for help. On the flip side though, it's not like this is anything new. People ask for favors all the time. In fact, I was asked for this same favor by a different person last year, and I happily complied. So why the different reaction - have I become jaded? or is it the different people asking, and if so, why? is it a personality thing? or more damningly, is it the different way I respond to or treat people, depending on how useful they are to me?

Another thought is how little this matters to most people. I wonder what is the balance between self-reflection and self-analysis. This example (me feeling frustrated about being asked to do something) is a simple thing that happens to many people on many occasions. Why don't I just accept that I feel a certain way? Is it wrong to just act, just to respond the way you feel or you want to? Or do you have to recognize it (self-reflection) or do you have to figure out why you did what you did (self-analysis)? Yesterday, I talked myself into a relatively good mood. I "realized" that maybe I've been too harsh on myself, that it's entirely possible people do see me better than I see myself, and they're not wrong just because I don't agree.

There's other interesting thoughts that have been on my mind. Eric Ma recently shared a link to an essay, which explored how closed-minded and self-entitled university graduates have become. While I don't consider myself closed-minded, I do feel self-entitled a lot of the time, and it's also true that I haven't exactly learned how to connect to all types of people here at university. I'm starting my SPEP rotation tomorrow, and I'm really hoping that this month I'll get the opportunity to speak to more people and learn.