May update

My friend Stephanie introduced me several weeks ago to thoughtcatalog.com. It's a hodgepodge of short articles written by supposedly selected authors going somewhere in life, resulting in some diamonds in the rough but a lot of inconsistency. I suppose that is a good thing, otherwise I would spend a lot more time on it.

So far, not too much has happened in May, and yet a lot of things have happened. I arrived back in Vancouver from Victoria several weeks ago, and have been hard at work most days revising for my board exams. It's quite an adjustment to study for an endpoint that is somewhat nebulous. When you don't have specific learning objectives or a specifically-recommended resource to work off of, I have to have confidence in myself that I'm doing my studying the right way. Comparing my progress with others is both motivating and a source of significant stress, as you can appreciate.

I've also received and signed my offer letter for my residency with St. Michael's, booked my plane ticket there, and booked temporary housing there for the latter half of June. I leave June 21st. I also will be going to the Dominican Republic for a grad trip early June, and will be graduating on May 31 with the rest of my pharmacy classmates. My mom is also having her surgery (I don't know exactly what it is; probably a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy?) this Friday, so I hope things go well.

I've neglected my blog in the last few weeks, and it was the writing on thoughtcatalog that drove me back here. Both the poor and the well-written thoughts on that website have shown me how important it is for me to reflect, to explore with words rather than incompletely formed thoughts, and to tell someone, even if it could be anyone reading, what I am thinking about. I've also recently questioned what I should be writing online (versus perhaps writing in a more private place), given that I'm no longer going to be a student, and my writing often ends up being verbal diarrhea. At least I don't claim to be anyone special.

This article (http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/i-suck-at-breaking-up-with-girls/) resonated with me. I recall one time when I came close to breaking up with J, and several other times when I have seriously thought about it. Also, I've been asked why I love her, and I want to be able to answer that question properly.

Like my reasons for staying in pharmacy, why I love J has changed over the years. During that first year, although we were "dating," we were really more just extremely close friends (with some benefits, I suppose) because we went to school, ate meals, and studied together, almost on a daily basis. First-year university is a scary prospect for most students, and we helped and supported each other along the way; for example, we would join clubs together (which I probably would not have done on my own) and if I ever needed someone to talk to, she was just down the hall. So I loved her in that way, which was to have a companion to work with, talk with and laugh with.

In the years immediately following, we physically moved further apart. I went into pharmacy school while J stayed in the Sciences, and we both met new circles of friends and joined activities separately from each other (not like I was allowed to do pole-dancing =D). Because we both stayed on residence, though, we stayed quite close. Having that access to each other was quite stabilizing for both of us, I think. Although we weren't doing everything together anymore, we were obviously still very much part of each other's lives. I would often bring over my schoolwork still, and we would study together. However, over the years we learned to put in the effort to plan outings and dinners so that we wouldn't fall in the trap of a simple routine.

What did I love about her? I loved her smile, her hair, her ability to make me forget about a tough day, and her energy. I loved learning little things about her and learning her special abilities that few people know, and noting how they complemented my lack of knowledge and skill in many areas of life. I loved the passions that we share, for science, for hockey, for humour, and for justice (for the most part). I loved how she takes the initiative to try sports, travel, and foods, but at the same time is so indecisive about other things.

Where did some of the doubt creep in? A lot of it had to do with times when the going got tough. As I've commented before, in third-year pharmacy I was irritable a lot of the time, and for J, she would be understandably irritable for parts of the year. When one of us is feeling normal, things tend to be okay. However, my pride often gets in the way of me saying and doing what I should do, and I end up in cycles of negative thinking. Without actually saying anything, through my inaction I would criticize her personality, the way she talks to or treats people, her ability to think rationally, or her chances of being accepted into medical school. I would ask myself what she does for me, at times when I felt that I was doing a lot for her.

So why am I still with her, and what has changed? One is, over the years we have learned to improve our communication. She's been with me long enough to know when I need my time and space, and that I'll apologize after I get my shit together but not before. And I've learned that when she's distressed about something, that even though I think I know what's wrong, and even though I think she should do something specific about it, that she just wants comfort and that that is the wrong time to pursue something, regardless of what my opinion is. Secondly, we've grown (physically) further apart still, but closer together. We've had some of the important conversations that all couples inevitably have, and we know that we're relatively compatible with each other. We remain interested in each other, in each other's lives, and we look forward to when we get to see each other next and connect. And finally, I've stopped looking to her to make me feel good about myself. It's a flawed strategy to hope or expect your significant other to make you someone you want to be. (In my previous posts, I've discussed this issue at length.) And so, related to that, I've also stopped trying to change J, and I'm trying to accept her and accept me for who we are.

So can I answer the question, why do I love her, now? Not elegantly, and not concisely. But I think I do, and that's what counts. When I look into her eyes, I feel that I'm the only one for her, and I know that she feels the same way about me, despite our flaws.

On June 21, I'll be on a one-way flight to Toronto for a one-year work term. I have no idea where my destiny lies, but I do know that between work and family, family comes first for me. And although J doesn't know this yet, I have a promise ring for her (I hope it fits). They say that all promise rings need to have a clearly delineated promise that comes with it, to avoid confusion (as I don't intend it as a pre-engagement ring) and to add meaning. At a loss for any poetic language, J, I promise that I will be true to you, and that I love you.